Why Are You Still Living Someone Else’s Life?
A Guide to Designing the Extraordinary Life You Actually Want
by Dr. Ron A. Rhoades, JD, CFP®
She was crying before we even hit cruising altitude.
I was flying home from a financial planning conference, settling into seat 14C with my laptop and a lukewarm coffee, when I noticed the young woman next to me: mid-twenties, business casual, mascara running down her cheeks. The polite thing would have been to pretend I didn’t see. But after thirty years of teaching college students, I’ve learned that sometimes the universe puts you in this seat for a reason.
“I just quit my job,” she said, dabbing her eyes with a crumpled napkin. “My parents are going to kill me.”
Her name was Maya. She’d spent three years climbing the corporate ladder at a prestigious consulting firm – the kind of job that made her parents beam at family gatherings. Six-figure salary. Corner office trajectory. LinkedIn profile that practically sparkled.
And she was miserable.
“I’ve been living my parents’ dream,” she said. “I don’t even know what my dream is.”
What Maya didn’t know – what she couldn’t have known – was that in three hours, somewhere over Ohio, she’d have a roadmap for the rest of her life. And it started with a single question that I’m going to ask you right now:
What is the point of YOUR life – in your own view?
Not your parents’ view. Not society’s view. Not Instagram’s view. Yours.
I’m going to give you the same framework I gave Maya on that flight. By the end of this article, you’ll understand how to discover your purpose, build genuine confidence, find mentors who will change your life, and design each day with intention. But first, you need to understand something crucial about how you’re spending the only non-renewable resource you have.
The 832,000-Hour Problem
If you live to 95 (and with modern medicine, many of you will), you’ll have approximately 832,000 hours to spend. That sounds like a lot until you break it down:
- About 90,000 hours will go to work.
- Around 280,000 hours to sleeping (non-negotiable – trust me, I’ve tried).
- Roughly 30,000 hours eating (more if you’re a foodie, less if you’re a college student surviving on ramen).
- And terrifyingly, the average American spends about 80,000 hours watching screens.
When Maya saw these numbers, she went quiet. “I’ve been spending forty hours a week at a job I hate,” she said. “That’s like… donating a chunk of my life to misery.”
“Exactly,” I said. “Let’s talk about getting those hours back.”
Step One: Figure Out What Actually Matters (to YOU)
I pulled out my phone, opened a document, and handed it to Maya with a mental exercise – the same one I’m giving you now. Here are 31 possible answers to “What is the point of life?” Your job is to pick the 3 to 5 that genuinely resonate with your soul, not the ones that sound impressive at dinner parties.
- To Be Happy.
- To Make Other People Happy.
- To Experience the Fullness of Who You Are.
- To Be Useful.
- To Love.
- To Become the Greatest Version of Yourself.
- To Discover Your Inner and Outer Worlds.
- To Live Mindfully.
- To Leave a Legacy.
- To Become the Lead Role in Your Story.
- To Achieve Self-Actualization.
- To Live Fearlessly.
- To Be Authentic.
- To Recognize Unity.
- To Make a Positive Impact.
- To Remain a Life-Long Learner.
- To Choose Peace.
- To Create It for Yourself.
- To Continue a Legacy.
- To Remain Positive, Yet Realistic.
- To Solve Problems.
- To Live and Let Live.
- To Develop and Nurture Relationships.
- To Achieve Social Justice.
- To Have “Peak” Experiences.
- To Appreciate the Journey.
- To Integrate Your Life.
- To Foster the Progression of Humanity.
- To Learn to Adapt.
- To Make Something Out of Nothing.
- To Exit with No Regrets
Maya studied the list for a solid ten minutes while I pretended to be very interested in the in-flight magazine. Finally, she looked up.
“To become the lead role in my story,” she said. “To make something out of nothing. And… to exit with no regrets.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere,” I said. “Those aren’t the answers of someone who belongs in a consulting firm. Those are the answers of a creator. An entrepreneur. Maybe an explorer.”
Her eyes widened. “How did you know I’ve always wanted to start my own business?”
I didn’t. But the answers always reveal more than people expect.
Know Your Archetype (or, Why You Keep Dating the Wrong Careers)
Here’s a concept that blew Maya’s mind – and might blow yours, too. Just as you have a personality type, you have what psychologists call a “career archetype.” Understanding yours is like finally getting the user manual for your own brain.
- The Explorer craves adventure, novelty, and new experiences. They’re your travel bloggers, researchers, and entrepreneurs who get bored the moment something becomes routine. (If you’ve had five different majors, hello Explorer.)
- The Creator lives to build, innovate, and bring ideas to life. Artists, writers, designers, startup founders – anyone who looks at a blank page and sees infinite possibility.
- The Sage is driven by understanding. Teachers, researchers, philosophers – people who would read textbooks for fun and sometimes write long blog posts. (Don’t judge us.)
- The Guardian protects and nurtures. Social workers, nurses, environmentalists, and that friend who always checks in when you’ve been quiet on the group chat.
- The Magician They see what could be and make it real. Activists, visionary leaders, anyone who looks at a broken system and says, “I can fix that.”
- The Lover seeks deep connection. Therapists, counselors, relationship coaches – people who understand that human bonds are the real currency of life.
- The Ruler leads and organizes. CEOs, politicians, the person who always ends up planning group projects (whether they wanted to or not).
- The Rebel challenges the status quo. Activists, unconventional artists, entrepreneurs who see “that’s how it’s always been done” as a personal challenge.
Maya identified as a Creator-Rebel hybrid. “No wonder I hated consulting,” she laughed. “I was trying to be a Ruler when I’m built to tear down and rebuild.”
Here’s the thing: most people are combinations of two or three archetypes. And your dominant archetype can shift as you grow. The key is recognizing what energizes you versus what drains you, then making career choices accordingly.
The Self-Love Foundation (No, This Isn’t Woo-Woo)
“Can I ask you something personal?” Maya said as we hit some turbulence over Pennsylvania.
“Of course.”
“How do you actually build confidence? Like, real confidence? Because I’ve been faking it for years and I’m exhausted.”
This is the question that sits at the core of every extraordinary life, and the answer surprised her. Real confidence isn’t about “faking it till you make it” or reciting affirmations in the mirror (though those can help). It’s about building what I call your “foundation of three”: self-love, daily discipline, and intentional positivity.
- Self-love doesn’t mean narcissism or thinking you’re perfect. It means treating yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a good friend. It means stopping the brutal inner critic that tells you you’re not enough. It means daily affirmations – and yes, I know that sounds cheesy. Yet, show me a highly successful person who doesn’t have some form of positive self-talk practice.
- Daily discipline means committing to small, consistent actions. Not dramatic overhauls that you’ll abandon by February 1st, but tiny improvements that compound over time. More on this in a moment.
- Intentional positivity means actively choosing where you direct your mental energy. Gratitude practices. Limiting doomscrolling. Surrounding yourself with people who lift you up rather than drag you down.
“What about the fear of judgment?” Maya asked. “That’s what kept me at my old job for so long. I was terrified of what people would think if I failed.”
Here’s the truth bomb I dropped on her: Most people are so busy worrying about their own lives that they barely have time to judge yours. And the ones who do judge? They’re usually projecting their own fears and regrets. Someone who mocks your dreams is almost always someone who gave up on theirs.
Twenty years from now, you won’t remember the random critic on the internet or the coworker who raised an eyebrow at your career change. But you will remember whether you had the courage to try.
The Secret Weapon: Mentors and Sponsors
“Okay, I’m sold on the self-improvement stuff,” Maya said. “But how do I actually break into a new field when I have zero connections?”
This is where most young professionals get stuck. They think success is about what you know, when it’s really about who knows you – and what they’re willing to do about it.
First, understand the difference between mentors and sponsors.
- A mentor gives you advice, shares their experience, helps you navigate challenges.
- A sponsor puts their reputation on the line for you – they recommend you for opportunities, advocate for you in rooms you’re not in, and actively work to advance your career.
You need both. Here’s how to find them.
The Reverse Interview Technique
This is gold. Instead of waiting to be interviewed for jobs, you interview people who have jobs you want. Reach out to professionals in your target field and ask for 20 minutes of their time to learn about their career path. Most people love talking about themselves (it’s not a flaw, it’s human nature), and this approach accomplishes several things simultaneously:
- You gain insider knowledge about the field
- You demonstrate initiative and professionalism
- You create a connection that can lead to opportunities
- You practice your communication skills in low-stakes settings
Pro tip: Start with people who are helpful but not your absolute dream contacts. You want to polish your approach before you reach out to the VIPs.
The Handwritten Note Revolution
In an age of instant digital communication, a handwritten thank-you note is basically a superpower. After every meeting, every conference, every informational interview, send a handwritten card on quality paper. Not an email. Not a LinkedIn message. An actual physical note that someone can hold.
I’ve sent thousands of these over my career. Every single one gets read completely. Many lead to deeper relationships and opportunities that never would have materialized otherwise.
Maya looked skeptical. “That seems… old-fashioned.”
“Old-fashioned is memorable,” I said. “When everyone else sends a generic ‘Nice meeting you!’ email that gets buried in an inbox, your handwritten note sits on someone’s desk. It says: I value this connection enough to take real time for it.”
The 1,000 Day Challenge: How Ordinary Becomes Extraordinary
Here’s the part where most self-help advice fails: it tells you to dream big but doesn’t explain how to get there from here. So, let me introduce you to what I call the 1,000 Day Challenge.
The concept comes from James Clear’s Atomic Habits: If you improve by just 1% every day for 1,000 days, you’ll be 37 times better than when you started. That’s not motivational fluff – that’s compound interest applied to personal growth.
Here’s how to make it work:
- Make The List. Write down everything – and I mean everything – you want to improve about your life. Physical health. Mental clarity. Career skills. Relationships. Financial literacy. Creative expression. Don’t edit yourself. Just dump it all on paper.
- Pick One Thing. Not five things. Not three things. One thing to start. Master it until it becomes automatic, then add another.
- Make It Stupid Easy. Want to exercise more? Start with two push-ups. Want to read more? Start with one page. The goal is to make the action so small that it’s impossible to say no. You can always do more once you’ve started.
- Stack It. Attach your new habit to something you already do. “After I pour my morning coffee, I’ll write one sentence in my journal.” The existing habit becomes a trigger for the new one.
Maya was taking notes on her phone. “This is actually doable,” she said. “I’ve tried to overhaul my entire life before and always crashed and burned by week two.”
“Because you were trying to win a marathon on day one. The secret is playing the long game.”
Live Life by Design, Not Default
As we began our descent into the airport, I gave Maya one final framework: the goal hierarchy.
- Lifetime Goals: What do you want written in your obituary? (Morbid but clarifying.)
- Phase-of-Life Goals: What do you want to accomplish in this decade? This stage of your career?
- Annual Goals: What will make this year successful?
- Quarterly/Semester Goals: What can you achieve in the next 90 days? Make these S.M.A.R.T. – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound.
The key is that your daily actions should connect to your quarterly goals, which should connect to your annual goals, which should connect to your lifetime vision. When everything aligns, you stop feeling scattered and start feeling purposeful.
“What happens when the plan doesn’t work?” Maya asked.
“Then you adjust. Life by design doesn’t mean rigidity – it means intentionality. You’re the author of your story, but even authors revise their drafts.”
The Landing
As the plane touched down, Maya was a different person than the crying woman I’d met at takeoff. Not because all her problems were solved – they weren’t. She still had to face her parents. She still had to figure out her next move. She still had uncertainty ahead of her.
But she had something more valuable than certainty. She had clarity.
She knew what mattered to her. She knew her archetype. She had tools for building confidence, strategies for finding mentors, and a framework for designing her days with intention. She understood that extraordinary lives aren’t built on grand gestures – they’re built on small, daily choices made with awareness.
“Thank you,” she said as we gathered our bags. “I mean it. This was the most valuable flight of my life.”
I gave her my card. “Stay in touch. Let me know how the story unfolds.”
She did stay in touch. Over the next two years, Maya started a sustainable fashion company that merged her Creator and Rebel archetypes. She reached out to twenty-three professionals through reverse interviews. She sent over a hundred handwritten notes. She built her life by design.
Today, she sits on panels where young professionals ask her for advice. And you know what she tells them?
“Sometimes the universe puts you in the right seat for a reason.”
Your Turn
You don’t need a chance encounter at 30,000 feet to start designing your extraordinary life. You just need to begin. Here’s your homework:
- Look at the Meaning Menu above. Which 3-5 answers genuinely resonate with you?
- Which archetype (or combination) describes you best?
- What’s ONE tiny habit you can start tomorrow that moves you toward the life you want?
- Who is one person you could reach out to for a reverse interview?
You have 832,000 waking hours. Maybe more, maybe fewer. The question isn’t whether you have time to live an extraordinary life. The question is whether you’re willing to stop living someone else’s.
What will you choose?
About the Author
Dr. Ron A. Rhoades, JD, CFP® has lived several extraordinary lives before most people finish one. Before graduating college, he’d already captained his high school track team, coached football, sailed across the Atlantic on a tall ship, rowed on a crew team (silver medal at nationals), marched in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, took a solo week-long canoe trip into The Everglades, was a Tin Man at The Land of Oz (Beech Mountain, NC), performed as a Disney Character in road shows across two continents and in shows and parades at Walt Disney World, escorted celebrities around Central Florida, and became a production assistant (show scheduling coordinator) and Stage Manager for special events. And then he graduated college.
He went on to graduate from the University of Florida College of Law with honors, and he became an estate planning and tax attorney, financial advisor, and professor who has taught thousands of students at Western Kentucky University. He’s testified before the U.S. Congress, won multiple teaching awards, and written hundreds of articles on personal finance, investments, and fiduciary law.
He says all of this not to brag, but to prove that you can pack multiple lifetimes into one – if you design it that way.
He lives with his wife of 44 years and two enthusiastic dogs who remind him daily that simple pleasures matter most.
His most important credential: Having the opportunity to mentor hundreds of young people (not always on airplanes), and he always takes the time to listen.
This article is for educational purposes only. The characters depicted are fictional and any relation to real persons is solely incidental. Scenarios and references to real people or experiences are used solely to illustrate educational concepts. These examples may not apply to your individual circumstances. It should not be construed as financial, legal, tax, or investment advice, nor as a recommendation to implement any specific strategy, product, or investment.
