Life Your Life by Design, Not Default
An Invitation to My Students
by Dr. Ron A. Rhoades, JD, CFP®
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.”
– Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854)
The Threshold
Right now – at this moment in your life – you stand at a threshold that will never come again. You are young enough that nearly everything remains possible, yet old enough to begin choosing with purpose. Most people never pause at this threshold. They drift through college, drift into a career, drift into habits and routines and relationships that were never truly chosen. They live by default. One day they look up and wonder how they arrived somewhere they never intended to go.
I am asking you not to be most people.
Thoreau left for the woods at Walden Pond not because he hated society, but because he refused to sleepwalk through his one precious life. He wanted to strip existence down to its essentials and confront it honestly – to, as he put it, suck out all the marrow of life. He stayed only two years. The point was never permanent retreat. The point was to wake up.
You do not need a cabin in the woods. You need a decision.
The Decision
Decide who you want to become. Not what career you want – that will follow – but what kind of person. What values will anchor your life when everything else shifts? Integrity, courage, compassion, curiosity, discipline, generosity – these are not abstractions. They are daily choices. They are what you do when no one is watching, when it costs you something, when the easier path is right there beckoning.
Psychologists call this process of deliberate self-creation self-authorship – the transition from living according to scripts handed to you by family, culture, and social pressure to defining your own beliefs, identity, and values from the inside out. Research by developmental psychologist Marcia Baxter Magolda shows that this shift is the defining intellectual task of your twenties.[1] It does not happen automatically. It happens when you stop asking “What do others expect of me?” and start asking “What do I believe, and who do I choose to be?”
I would encourage you to think of this process as crafting your personal constitution – a living document, held in your mind and heart, that declares who you are becoming and the principles that will govern your life. A nation without a constitution drifts. So does a person. Your personal constitution consists of three elements: the values you embrace, the character traits you commit to developing, and the sense of purpose that connects your life to something larger than yourself. (In the appendices to this essay, you will find lists of values and character traits to consider. Choose a limited number from each – perhaps five to seven – that resonate most deeply with the person you aspire to be. These become the foundation of your personal constitution.)
Serving a Useful Purpose
Let me tell you a story about purpose.
When I was in law school, I formed a study group during my freshman year. We were a sharp bunch, but the brightest among us was Jonathan. While the rest of us clawed for B’s and the occasional A, Jonathan got straight A’s that year – and if you know anything about law school grading, you know that virtually no one gets straight A’s. He was, by any conventional measure, destined for a spectacular legal career.
But at the beginning of our second year, Jonathan did not return.
We lost track of each other, as people do. Years later, I happened to be doing a backstage tour at Sea World. And there, sitting by the side of a pool in the Florida sun, was Jonathan – feeding fish to baby dolphins.
We caught up. I learned he had left law school deliberately, not because he had failed but because he had succeeded at something that did not align with who he truly was. After we talked for a while, I confess I told him I was disappointed by his choice – to walk away from such a promising legal career to work in what I then saw as a service position at a theme park.
Jonathan smiled, looked at the dolphins, and said: “I’m serving a useful porpoise.”
I groaned. But I never forgot it. And over the years, as I watched people chase careers that looked impressive but left them hollow, I came to realize that Jonathan understood something at twenty-three that many people never grasp: the point is not to do the most prestigious thing. The point is to serve a useful purpose – one that is genuinely yours.
Viktor Frankl, the psychiatrist who survived the Nazi concentration camps, spent the rest of his life studying why some people thrive even through suffering while others collapse.[2] His conclusion, drawn from the most extreme circumstances imaginable, was simple and profound: those who had a “why” to live for could endure almost any “how.” Purpose does not merely add to life. Purpose is what makes life bearable, and ultimately, what makes it meaningful.
What Actually Makes a Life Worth Living
Decades of research in psychology converge on a finding that runs counter to nearly everything our culture tells you: the things most people chase hardest – money, status, prestige, material comfort – are among the weakest predictors of lasting happiness.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running scientific study of happiness in history, has tracked hundreds of lives for over eighty years. Its central finding is unequivocal: the quality of your relationships is the single strongest predictor of both happiness and physical health.[3] Not your income. Not your job title. Not the car you drive. Your relationships.
Martin Seligman, a co-founder of positive psychology, maps the terrain more precisely. His PERMA model identifies five pillars of well-being:
Positive Emotion – experiencing regular moments of joy, gratitude, and hope;
Engagement – losing yourself in activities that challenge and absorb you;
Relationships – cultivating deep, meaningful connections with others;
Meaning – connecting your life to something larger than yourself; and
Accomplishment – achieving goals that you define on your own terms, not society’s.
Notice what is present in that list – and what is absent. Every element is internal or relational. None require wealth or fame or a corner office. You can cultivate all five while earning a modest living. You can lack all five while sitting atop a fortune.
Arthur Brooks, the Harvard professor who studies the science of happiness, distills it further:[4]
Happiness = Enjoyment + Meaning + Satisfaction
Enjoyment is deeper than mere pleasure – it is pleasure experienced in connection with others. Meaning is the sense that your life serves something beyond yourself. And satisfaction – the tricky one – comes not from getting more but from wanting what you already have.
Brooks points to four foundations of a happy life: faith or a guiding philosophy, family, deep friendships, and meaningful work that serves others. Notice how closely this mirrors the PERMA model. The researchers are converging.
The evidence extends beyond frameworks. A 2025 meta-analysis published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences – synthesizing data from 145 studies across 28 countries – found that regularly practicing gratitude – through journaling, gratitude letters, and similar exercises – produces consistent increases in well-being.[5] Gratitude is not a greeting card sentiment. It is, as the researchers found, literally life-improving. Additionally, a cross-cultural study surveying 2,615 people across 12 countries and six continents found that meaning was a stronger predictor of life satisfaction than pleasure – and that this held consistently across both individualist and collectivist cultures.[6] The science, in other words, keeps saying the same thing.
And here is the finding that should change how you think about your future. Author and palliative care worker Bronnie Ware spent years recording the regrets of dying patients. The five most common regrets were:[7]
I wish I had lived a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I had not worked so hard.
I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish I had let myself be happier.
Read them again. Not one of those regrets is about money. Not one is about status or prestige. Every single one is about how they lived – the courage they did not show, the people they let slip away, the permission to be happy that they withheld from themselves.
A deliberately designed life – one built on values, relationships, purpose, and engagement – produces far more lasting happiness than a life spent accumulating external markers of success. The dying know this. The researchers know this. The question is whether you will know it now, while you still have time to act on it.
The Daily Practice of Becoming
Knowing what matters is not enough. You must act on it. Every single day.
This is the part where most good intentions die. People write inspiring journal entries and then close the notebook. They set New Year’s resolutions that dissolve by February. The gap between aspiration and action is where default living rushes back in.
Thoreau understood that deliberate living is not a grand, singular gesture. It is an accumulation of countless small, intentional moments. The person you will become is being assembled right now, one decision at a time, one hour at a time. Psychologists call this identity-based change – the insight that lasting transformation comes not from setting goals but from deciding who you are and then acting in alignment with that identity. As James Clear writes, “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become… You don’t need a unanimous vote to win an election; you just need a majority.”[8]
Read the book that challenges you. Have the conversation you have been avoiding. Build the habit that your future self will thank you for. Show up for the hard thing. Practice gratitude not as a platitude but as a discipline – write down, each evening, three things that went well and why. Invest in your relationships with the same seriousness you invest in your GPA. Seek out flow states – those moments of complete absorption in meaningful work – because research consistently shows that engagement produces deeper satisfaction than passive entertainment ever will.
Be intentional with each moment. That does not mean being rigid or joyless – Thoreau himself spent hours watching ants battle on a stump and found transcendence in it. It means being present. It means asking, again and again: Is this the life I am choosing, or the life that is happening to me?
Against the Defaults
The world will offer you a thousand defaults. Default entertainment, default opinions, default ambitions. Social media will curate your desires. Algorithms will shape your attention. Peer pressure will suggest that everyone else has it figured out. (They don’t.) Convention will whisper that the safe path is the smart path. Sometimes it is. But the unexamined safe path – the one chosen out of fear rather than wisdom – is just another form of sleepwalking.
Psychologists have identified what they call the hedonic treadmill – the tendency of humans to quickly adapt to improved circumstances and return to a baseline level of happiness. Get the promotion, feel euphoric for two weeks, adapt, need the next promotion. Buy the new car, feel a thrill for a month, adapt, want the next one. The treadmill never stops – unless you step off it by anchoring your life to values and relationships rather than acquisitions and achievements.
You deserve more than the treadmill. You are capable of more than the treadmill.
Your Assignment
So, here is my challenge to you. Sit down this week – with a blank page, not a screen – and answer three questions:
First: Who is the person I want to become? Not what job, not what salary – what kind of human being? Describe that person in detail. How do they treat others? How do they treat themselves? What do they stand for?
Second: What values and character traits define that person? Turn to the appendices. Choose just a handful from each list. These are your compass points. Write them down and carry them with you.
Third: What is one thing I can do today, and tomorrow, and the day after, to move toward becoming that person? Not ten things. One. Start there. Build from there.
Then do it. Not perfectly. Not without stumbling. But deliberately.
Thoreau returned from Walden with this conviction: that if you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams and endeavor to live the life you have imagined, you will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He was not promising ease. He was promising that a life lived on purpose – a life of your own design – carries a richness that no amount of drifting can replicate.
Jonathan figured this out by a dolphin pool in Florida. The dying patients Bronnie Ware listened to figured it out too late. The researchers at Harvard have spent eight decades confirming it with data.
You have the chance to figure it out now.
Live your life by design, not by default.
You are the author of your life. Pick up the pen.
For further reading on the science of happiness, see: “What Actions and Activities Lead to the Greatest Happiness and Contentment in Life?” by Ron A. Rhoades, JD, CFP®, available at linkedin.com/in/wkubear.
A Note on Using These Lists: Do not try to master everything. The most effective approach, supported by research in goal-setting and identity formation, is to choose a small number of values and traits and pursue them deeply. Write your selections on an index card. Carry it. Read it each morning. Ask yourself each evening: Did I act today in a way that reflects who I am becoming? Over time, these chosen commitments will become not just aspirations but habits – not just things you do but who you are. That is the difference between living by design and living by default.
Appendix A: Core Values
Values are the principles and beliefs that matter most to you – the convictions you hold independent of external approval. They serve as your internal compass, guiding decisions when the path is unclear. Review the list below and select five to seven values that resonate most deeply with the person you aspire to become. There are no right answers. The right values are the ones that, when you read them, produce a quiet sense of recognition – yes, this is who I want to be.
Moral and Ethical Values
Integrity – Living in alignment with your word; consistency between beliefs and actions
Honesty – Truthfulness with yourself and others, even when it’s uncomfortable
Justice – Commitment to fairness, equity, and doing what is right
Responsibility – Owning your choices and their consequences
Trustworthiness – Being someone others can rely on completely
Humility – Accurate self-assessment; openness to being wrong
Relational Values
Compassion – Genuine concern for the suffering and well-being of others
Generosity – Giving freely of your time, attention, and resources
Loyalty – Steadfast commitment to the people and causes you care about
Kindness – Treating every person with warmth and dignity
Empathy – The effort to understand others’ experiences and perspectives
Forgiveness – Releasing resentment; choosing grace over grudges
Love – Deep care and commitment to the flourishing of others
Intellectual Values
Curiosity – A lifelong hunger to learn, question, and understand
Wisdom – Pursuing sound judgment through experience, reflection, and knowledge
Open-Mindedness – Willingness to consider new ideas and change your mind
Critical Thinking – Evaluating evidence carefully before forming conclusions
Creativity – The drive to imagine new possibilities and original solutions
Achievement and Purpose Values
Excellence – Striving to do your best in everything you undertake
Discipline – The capacity for sustained effort toward what matters most
Perseverance – Continuing forward despite difficulty and setback
Ambition – Purposeful drive toward meaningful goals
Service – Devoting your talents to the benefit of others
Stewardship – Responsible management of what has been entrusted to you
Personal Freedom and Autonomy Values
Independence – Thinking and acting according to your own considered judgment
Authenticity – Being genuinely yourself rather than performing for others
Courage – Willingness to act rightly even when afraid or at personal cost
Freedom – Valuing your own liberty and the liberty of others
Self-Reliance – Cultivating the ability to stand on your own
Spiritual and Transcendent Values
Faith – Trust in a guiding philosophy, tradition, or higher purpose
Gratitude – Recognizing and appreciating what you have and who has helped you
Hope – Maintaining optimism and belief in the possibility of better outcomes
Wonder – Awe and reverence before the beauty and complexity of life
Inner Peace – Cultivating calm and equanimity amid life’s turbulence
Appendix B: Character Traits to Cultivate
If values are your compass – pointing toward what you believe is important – then character traits are your muscles: the practiced capacities that allow you to actually live according to those values under real-world conditions. Values tell you where to go. Character traits determine whether you get there. Select five to seven traits you most want to strengthen. Then ask yourself: What would a person with this trait do today?
Traits of Mind
Intellectual Humility – Recognizing the limits of your knowledge; eagerness to learn from others
Adaptability – Adjusting effectively to new circumstances without losing your center
Resourcefulness – Finding creative solutions when conventional paths are blocked
Reflectiveness – Regularly examining your experiences, motives, and growth
Discernment – The ability to judge situations wisely and act accordingly
Focus – Sustaining deep attention on what matters most
Traits of Heart
Warmth – Making others feel welcomed, valued, and at ease
Patience – Tolerating delay, difficulty, or imperfection without frustration
Emotional Intelligence – Understanding and managing your own emotions and those of others
Vulnerability – Willingness to be open and honest about your struggles
Cheerfulness – Bringing positive energy and good humor to your interactions
Graciousness – Responding to others with courtesy, especially under pressure
Traits of Action
Initiative – Acting without being told; stepping forward when something needs doing
Grit – Sustained passion and perseverance toward long-term goals
Reliability – Consistently following through on commitments, large and small
Decisiveness – Making timely decisions and standing behind them
Work Ethic – Bringing diligence and care to everything you undertake
Accountability – Taking ownership of outcomes, including mistakes
Traits of Character Under Pressure
Resilience – Recovering from setbacks and using adversity as fuel for growth
Composure – Maintaining calm and clarity in stressful situations
Moral Courage – Defending what is right even when it is unpopular or risky
Self-Control – Governing impulses and delaying gratification for greater goals
Fortitude – Enduring hardship with steadiness and without complaint
Grace Under Fire – Handling criticism, conflict, and failure with dignity
Traits of Relationship
Trustworthiness – Being consistently honest, reliable, and loyal
Generosity of Spirit – Giving others the benefit of the doubt; celebrating their success
Active Listening – Fully attending to others rather than waiting to speak
Collaboration – Working effectively with others toward shared goals
Mentorship – Willingness to invest in the growth and development of others
Gratitude – Regularly acknowledging and expressing appreciation to others
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About the Author
Dr. Ron A. Rhoades, JD, CFP® has lived several extraordinary lives before most people finish one. Before graduating college, he’d already captained his high school track team, coached football, sailed across the Atlantic on a tall ship, rowed on a crew team (silver medal at nationals), marched in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, took a solo week-long canoe trip into The Everglades, was a Tin Man at The Land of Oz (Beech Mountain, NC), performed as a Disney Character in road shows across two continents and in shows and parades at Walt Disney World, escorted celebrities around Central Florida, and became a production assistant (show scheduling coordinator) and Stage Manager for special events. And then he graduated college.
He went on to graduate from the University of Florida College of Law with honors, and he became an estate planning and tax attorney, financial advisor, and professor who has taught thousands of students at Western Kentucky University. He’s testified before the U.S. Congress, won multiple teaching awards, and written hundreds of articles on personal finance, investments, and fiduciary law.
He says all of this not to brag, but to prove that you can pack multiple lifetimes into one – if you design it that way.
He lives with his wife of 44 years and two enthusiastic dogs who remind him daily that simple pleasures matter most.
His most important credential: Having the opportunity to mentor hundreds of young people (not always on airplanes), and he always takes the time to listen.
This article is for educational purposes only. The characters depicted are fictional and any relation to real persons is solely incidental. Scenarios and references to real people or experiences are used solely to illustrate educational concepts. These examples may not apply to your individual circumstances. It should not be construed as financial, legal, tax, or investment advice, nor as a recommendation to implement any specific strategy, product, or investment.
Advisory services are offered through XYPN Sapphire and its various IAR brands under which it operates. XYPN Sapphire is an SEC registered investment adviser. For additional disclosure and privacy information, please visit XYPNSapphire.com/disclosures.
Footnotes
- Baxter Magolda, M. B. (2009). Authoring your life: Developing an internal voice to navigate life’s challenges. Stylus.
- Frankl, V. E. (1959). Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press.
- Waldinger, R., & Schulz, M. (2023). The good life: Lessons from the world’s longest scientific study of happiness. Simon & Schuster.
- Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. Free Press.
- Brooks, A. C., & Winfrey, O. (2023). Build the life you want: The art and science of getting happier. Portfolio/Penguin.
- Luchetti, M., et al. (2025). A meta-analysis of the effectiveness of gratitude interventions on well-being across cultures. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2425193122
- Gaston-Breton, C., Voyer, B. G., Lemoine, J. E., & Kastanakis, M. N. (2021). Pleasure, meaning or spirituality: Cross-cultural differences in orientations to happiness across 12 countries. Journal of Business Research, 134, 220–230. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbusres.2021.05.031
- Ware, B. (2012). The top five regrets of the dying: A life transformed by the dearly departing. Hay House.
- Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An easy and proven way to build good habits and break bad ones. Avery/Penguin Random House.
